Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Children and Their Parents

Children depend on their parents to help them meet their needs. Children also depend on their parents to help them learn how to meet their needs.

If a parent is incarcerated, children find barriers to communicating with that parent. Some of those barriers are the:
  • institutional policies and practices,
  • child's beliefs about what has happened,
  • parent's sense of responsibility, and
  • other caregivers in the family.
So what happens to the relationship between parent and child when a parent is incarcerated?

Since the relationships children have with their fathers are disrupted by the crime that led to an arrest, conviction, and imprisonment, the needs of both the child and the parent require attention.

For example, fathers who are incarcerated need to learn the
  • effects of their incarceration on their children,
  • effects of the crimes they committed on their children,
  • consequences of the incarceration on themselves, and
  • how to prevent those events from recurring.
The children of incarcerated parents need to learn
  • how to cope with the trauma of loss, and change,
  • what it all means to the family,
  • who is responsible for what, and
  • what it means about themselves.
Keeping this in mind, fathers who want to be responsible also need to understand and act on co-parenting principles.

In other words, the children have mothers too. Regardless what the father has done, has learned, or changes, the children still have mothers.

Responsible fathers learn to face the challenges of co-parenting the children. This is true whether they are reunited with the children after incarceration or not. In other words, both the mother and father are parents in the child's mind.

More on co-parenting in another posting.

4 comments:

Another Bob Marley Day said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kirt J. Baab said...

We'd like to see descriptions of what happens in families when a parent is incarcerated. Would you be willing to tell us more?

For example, "How did a parent going to prison change your relationship with your mother?

Another question I have is, "How do(es) your relationships with you siblings differ because your dad was absent?" I

t would be helpful to understand how you view these differences when you compare them to people whose fathers were present.

Anonymous said...

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm pronounced February as Responsible Fatherhood Awareness Month. The following quote was taken from the governor’s proclamation on responsible fatherhood.

"Whereas, Fathers who actively participate in the lives of their children reduce the risks of childhood poverty, child mental illness, juvenile delinquency, youth sexual activity, teen-age pregnancies, substance abuse, and failure to complete high school; and,

Whereas, Fathers who actively participate in the lives of their children enhance the chance for success in social skills, academic performance, adult careers and employment goals, and involved parenting skills for their future families; and, ... "

The truth is: families need good fathers.

One statistic that’s very telling is that 70% of those incarcerated in prison did not have a father in the home when they were growing up. What this statistic does not tell us is that prison is not the only bad consequence young people face, and these consequences follow many for the rest of their life.

The ACE Study http://www.acestudy.org/ conducted by the Center for Disease Control has found that adverse childhood experiences can cause a variety of problematic issues including chronic disease, poor mental health, and even premature death. Here is a listing of adverse childhood experiences they have compiled:

1. Recurrent physical abuse
2. Recurrent emotional abuse
3. Contact sexual abuse
4. An alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household
5. An incarcerated household member
6. Someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal
7. Mother is treated violently
8. One or no parents
9. Emotional or physical neglect

The CDC has shown the lack of a parent in the home can have ramifications as strong as abuse and neglect.

I have been doing my own informal study on this issue. When I get the opportunity, I ask people who have experienced a fatherless situation, if they believe that children inherently know that children are to be raised by a mother and father. So far, all that I have asked believe that to be so. I put this on the same level as how ducks know to fly south in the winter—it’s not a cultural teaching—it’s instinctual.

Fatherlessness continues on from one generation to the next with some able to escape from this pattern. But why don’t more? Certainly we learn how to be fathers from our fathers. And not knowing the skills of good fatherhood is a problem. If any man wanted to learn about fatherhood, he could find thousands of helpful sources. Yet I believe there is something far deeper involved than just a lack of training.

I believe that anger is the issue. There comes a time when a person comes to realize that they have been cheated of a fundamental need that ranks only slightly lower than food and shelter. Rejection and abandonment by one of the two most important people in a child’s life cut very deep in the heart. Reasons and alibis don’t make a lot of difference in a child’s understanding. Even abandonment for legitimate reasons can be devastating. Have you ever heard the statements “they will grow out of it” or “kids are resilient?” Such phraseology is foolish.

Anger is an emotion and a belief about people who have hurt us. Anger can also be a belief about ourselves. Children process events based on a child’s perception that has limited understanding of the world around them. They may start believing that they are flawed or bad because of the abandonment and rejection. Out of this, they start believing they are worthless and start hating themselves. Hate is a stronger form of anger which can escalate into rage, violence, and murder. These feelings and beliefs of anger are cumulative, which affects the level of anger that a person develops.

Anger leads to rebellion, which is a way for a child to fight back. The problem is that the antisocial behavior of rebellion leads to more rejection which intensifies the anger in a child or adolescent. There is no easy way for an angered adult to get even with society, but a man can take it out on his children by rejecting them in the same way he felt rejection. Retaliation is not the answer, but it is what frequently happens.

Anger management teaches people how to cope with and manage anger. It is beneficial for reducing violence, but not healing the heart. The real answer is to seek ways to remove the anger. There is only one way I’m aware of—forgiveness is the antidote to the poison of anger. Renewal of the mind clears us of negative beliefs and behaviors. These benefits are only available in the redeeming, transforming power of Jesus Christ.

Neil Elmer
www.healedheartministry.com
Neil’s book, PreScriptures for Life, is available through www.ReadingUp.com

Kirt J. Baab said...

Certainly fathers are important influences in our lives. That is true whether they are present or not.

One of the reasons conversations about what it means to be a responsible father need to take place is the potency of the father-child relationship.

How fathers and their children interact,

the words that are said, the tone of voice used to say them,

the frequency the messages are said, and

the physical presence of a father

shape the type of feelings, behaviors, and attitudes children have.

As a child develops and the relationship with the father changes over time, the significance of their conversations and their periods of silence deepens and grows.

Fathers influence their children even when they are not in the room.